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We’ve all said things we wish we
hadn’t said. That’s just an axiom of life. It’s not an excuse to go on saying
dumb, hurtful, and self-justifying things; it’s a fact of life because we are
human and imperfect. Hopefully we are growing to learn to guard our tongues.
Our words usually hurt those
with whom we are closest. This is due to the fact that with these people we are
on familiar and comfortable ground and our guard is down. We know they will get
over it and forgive us. But then the day comes when they don’t, and we are left
with a relational and emotional landscape that looks like the beaches of
Normandy in 1944. We are at war! The outcome is not going to be pretty. Even
with the right help we will end up approaching that relationship with
trepidation because of the verbal landmines that have been left behind.
However, there is hope. The
first step we need to take is repentance. That
means we are going to search the depths of our hearts and ask God to show us
where we have sinned. We are not going to do an inventory of someone else’s
heart, only our own. We are going to own up to our sin, agree with God that it
is sin against Him and His child, and go in the opposite direction.
The next step is to approach
that person with humble admission. We must be willing
to accept that we were wrong and hurtful. At this point the intent of our heart
should not be to just move on but to get the relationship back on the rails.
With the right heart attitude we will communicate a desire to do the hard
things and work diligently at removing the landmines one at a time. This will
be messy and time consuming, but it will be necessary and, in the end,
beautiful.
This is a hard lesson to learn
and that is why so much Scripture addresses it. Both the Old and New Testaments
deal with it, and so it is imperative that we deal with it as well. Solomon
wrote, for the good of the nation of Israel, and ultimately for our benefit as
well:
From the fruit of his mouth a man eats what is good, but the desire of
the treacherous is for violence. (Proverbs 13:2)
“…The mouth is a tree that
produces fruits that it has to eat. Language is not neutral, not sterile; it
initiates a process that will come back to its origin…” (L. Alonso Schökel).
We must learn to be careful what
we say because we will end up eating our words.
Grace & Peace,
Scott
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| Hawaii 2012 |
What a beautiful week this has
been! Last week Barb and I were in Florida visiting my parents, sister,
brother-in-law, 2 nephews, niece, her new husband, great nephew, the cat and a
small flock of ducks! The weather was perfect for our three days; the sun was
out each day and the temperature was in the 80’s each day. As we left on
Thursday to return home we had shorts and t-shirts on, and the further we drove
north the colder it got. We stopped outside of Columbia to get gas and supper
and it was 37 degrees! What happened? Well, we missed the cold weather during
spring break but are so thankful that this week proved to be sunny and warm.
I am so thankful for these times
you allow me to take away from
the routine. We love seeing family and we enjoy
the 9 hours of time alone in the car. It gives us a concentrated and
uninterrupted time to check up on our relationship. It opens doors of
conversation we don’t otherwise have, and it’s interesting what comes up and
out in those discussions.
I want to encourage all of our
couples to take time to check up in one another. Without open communication in
a marriage that marriage will fail. I’m not saying you’ll end up calling the
lawyers, but you’ll end up being disinterested in one another.
So, let me ask you: “What common
interests of discussion do you and your spouse have?” What I am trying to say
is: what do you guys like talking about?
It is so easy to check out in a
marriage, but it is hard to stay plugged in. Checking out takes nothing. That’s
right, you need to do absolutely nothing to grow the distance between the one
you pursued so urgently years ago. Plugging in on the other hand takes hard
work. It seemed so effortless when you first met and you could talk for hours about,
well, pretty much each other. As time passes it seems that we’ve talked
everything out and have pretty much beaten the proverbial horse dead. But in
order for our marriages not only to survive but also to thrive we need to spend
time working on this communication, you know, talking.
So while the weather is sunny
and the warm breezes blow take an evening and walk the neighborhood with your
spouse and talk. See what comes up and return to those days when you could talk
for hours about nothing really special but it meant that you were together.
Grace & Peace,
Scott
We are told in 1 Peter 2:9 that all believers are priests.
One of the responsibilities of being a priest is to guard knowledge (Malachi
2:7). We worked some of that out Sunday morning, but I didn’t have time to look
at the contrast between mouths that guard truth and mouths that don’t. As God’s
priests how should we guard God’s truth? Let’s think the contrast found in
Proverbs 4 and 5.
The writer of Proverbs advises us to be attentive to his
words (4:20 aka, wisdom). This careful attention paid to wisdom is accomplished
by guarding wisdom (“keep them within your heart” [4:21, see also 5:2]). The
word “keep” is the same word we looked at in Malachi 2:7 (“for the lips of the
priest should guard knowledge”). Now comes what I believe to be helpful
contrast…
In contrast to lips that guard wisdom are lips that guard
nothing but their own interests (5:3-6). He calls lips like those the lips of
immorality (a personification). Notice how they are described in 5:3:
·
They “drip honey” and
·
They are “smoother than oil.”
In other words, they are sweet and they are smooth; they
taste and feel good. Those who choose to live immorally will have the feeling
like nothing ever has been this good. They’ll shout, “I’ve never been more free
to be myself! I’m really alive!” And you know what? The Bible doesn’t disagree.
But look at where it all ends up…
“4But in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp
as a two-edged sword. 5Her feet go down to death; her steps follow
the path to Sheol.” (5:4-5)
Living for pleasure is like drinking poison and swallowing a
Buck knife. And in the end it leads to death and destruction. It may taste and
feel good now, but later it will destroy.
There is a huge difference between lips that guard wisdom
and lips that drip with honey. The one who guards wisdom tells the truth in
love, but the one who doesn’t lies about what’s coming around the corner if we
keep going in that direction and making the wrong choices.
Grace & Peace,
Scott
Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose. (Proverbs 18:21 NIV)
I just finished reading a book on communication titled War of Words by Paul Tripp. It is an excellent book that I recommend everyone take the time to read. I have never come across a more detailed biblical treatment of communication. In the first part of the book he deals with where the struggle with words comes from
Many of the problems we experience when talking with one another emerge from the fact that we have usurped the authority of God: We say what we want to say, when and how we want to say it. We speak as if we are in charge and as if we have the right to use words to advance our purpose, and to achieve what would make us happy (pp. 20-21).
Words are powerful. We have the ability and freedom to choose when it comes to words. We can choose to use our words as weapons to destroy our “enemy” or we can choose to use them as loving building blocks shoring up another person’s insecurities. And there are all kinds of avenues through which we can use our words…
1. Verbal: This is what we say to each other. It’s the stuff of everyday life. Verbal communication is something that is unavoidable. It is almost impossible to make it through any day without saying something to somebody (unless we are trapped alone on a deserted island).
2. Written: The unique thing about writing is that you can edit. This is so cool! I write about 4,500 words a week. I remember writing papers in college and seminary all the while dreaming of the day when I would be released from the “writing prison” and enter ministry. Boy was I fooled. I have come to love writing, but just wish someone would read my words.
3. Body Language: A very powerful way we communicate is often through what is not said but the way our body says what we say. Are our arms folded? What is the expression on our face? Do we maintain eye contact? Often we communicate detachment just by the way we present ourselves to somebody. An important key I have learned over the years is to be genuine when I ask about how someone is doing. I have to consciously tell myself to stop, look the person in the eye, sit down if they are sitting, and shut my mouth when they are telling me about how they are doing.
Use your words wisely, here’s talking with ya!
Grace & Peace, Scott
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